ok, so I am a little disappointed that I don’t have any views or likes or followers by now but it’s ok. So I am writing today for me.
Since Christmas is coming up, I will write about my worst Christmas. All I can remember is that I tried to leave the house on Christmas Day and she was blocking the door and would not move and we were arguing. I remember slapping her in the face. It was the first time I had ever gotten physical with anyone. I’m sure it was something that she said that set me off. In that moment, I was angry, hurt, blamed for everything that went wrong and I was getting tired of her verbal abuse. I left the house so upset because of what I had done and cried and cried and cried some more all day, alone, in my apartment. It was on Christmas Day, my younger sister saw the fight and I was so in the moment that I forgot she was there, witnessing the entire thing. I felt sorry that she had to hear all the arguing and fighting between my mother and I because she was 12 years younger than me at the time. I think I was around 25 or 26 so she was a teenager, 13 years old or close to it. I think that was the one and only time I actually hit her. I felt bad. I remember sitting on my bed for hours, emotionally disturbed and no one was there but me, alone in my sorrow.
Now, my 20’s were the most difficult time for me. I graduated college when I was 20. I was so depressed on my 21st birthday because it was not your typical 21st birthday drinking party. In fact, I had no friends to celebrate with because 2 years before that I had broken up with my boyfriend, Daniel and he was my only friend and I always hung out with his friends and had no friends of my own. I deeply regretted breaking up with him for years and years. I think I missed him so much that my heart was broken for so long. Thinking back to that day, it was for a stupid reason. He was sick. I didn’t want to go to Walmart for him and buy him medicine. We had been together for 2 years and during those 2 years I had the time of life, although I was drinking and using drugs during those 2 years which I think made it seem better than it really was. I had grown discontent with life and was thinking about being a senior in college the following year. I had no plans for the future after graduation. I did not had a clue what I wanted to do with my life. Daniel lived in a trailer and I didn’t want to live in a trailer for the rest of my life. He was not in college like I was so I guess in a way I thought myself better than him. My mom had told me that I needed to marry someone that had the same level of education as I did. But he was not studious at all. He was able to work and make money building fences so that is what he did. He wanted to start his own fencing company which I was supportive of but really was unsure if he was going to be successful or not. He turned out to be successful that I was happy for him. My mom did not think he was good enough for me. I loved him very much and had spent all my time with him during my sophomore and junior year at Auburn. I lived with him even though I had a place of my own I never stayed there. We slept together every night and were intimate with one another every night. My mother called me a whore one time when I was home visiting. I did not talk to my parents or see them much at all during my college years. I stayed away for a while because I was using drugs and drinking every weekend. I did not talk to my dad at all or see him for years because we had grown apart ever since he had gotten remarried when I was in 5th or 6th grade. My mom was busy working all the time and raising her youngest child so she was focused on my sister throughout my high school and college years.