Manic in MO cont.

RIP-Carrie Fisher 12/27/16.

I think I was in Indiana went I left off. Still on my way to Columbus, OH I decided to stop for lunch in Terre Haute, IN at Subway.  I was lonely eating all by myself.  I would pretend that Jesus was with me but it was difficult to imagine him sitting there talking to me. I bought some incense at the Indian Store the day before in IL and thought I was going to burn it before God in some special place but I was warned not to burn it because it would not be pleasing to God and I was afraid of making God angry so I through the incense away.  I remember day dreaming about finding a large field where a community of people lived together in smaller groups, like “tribes” with different purposes etc. I guess at the time I wanted to find a commune or something to live in but instead I found a KOA Camp Ground nearby and rented a little cabin there by myself.  It was nice and quiet and I sat in the swing on the porch and enjoyed being in nature.  I enjoyed it as much as I could being as emotionally and mentally disturbed as I was. I went inside the cabin and it had a bed and a bunk bed. I took a mattress off of one of the beds and laid there in the floor when I heard a knock at the door. It was a lady from the front desk bringing me a welcome package. I took it and thanked her. I thought it strange that she would bring me something nice. Inside the bag were cookies and some other stuff but the only thing I remember is in a tiny ziplock bag there was a marble with a little piece of paper that said something about “losing your marbles” but still having one left.  Ha ha, how appropriate.  I was a little bit paranoid because I wondered if I looked strange to people that I met along the way being a white female, traveling alone in my 20’s. I slept a lot that day and all night and the next day I got a shower and later on I checked out.  One thing that I failed to mention was that I had two boys on my mind when I was there at the cabin. I wished that one of them was traveling with me because we went to the same church for a while and he knew about IHOP and The Call as well and most people don’t have a clue what the International House of Prayer is in Kansas City.  The other guy, I had been talking to on facebook for a while until he finally asked me out on a date. We went out one time, talked regularly on the phone and saw each other a few times after that before he broke it off with me.  I was devastated at the time this happened, back in September of 2008.  It hurt me. I did not expect to react the way I did but I took it hard and was angry at him and at myself for being angry and taking it so hard.  I think that this rejection is what led to my downward spiral into a deep dark depression that I mentioned previously and that lasted for months before I turned manic.  I was still angry at him, I was so angry that I hated him and did not want to have any feelings for him good or bad.  I knew that I was supposed to forgive him and move on but I have always had a really hard time doing that. I was reading in the Bible out of the Song of Solomon and pretending that it was written to me, speaking to me and calling me to “Come Away.”  I looked out the window of the cabin and felt that I was at a crossroads at that point.  Should I go back to Kansas City, my original destination or continue my journey to Columbus.  I decided to go to KC as planned.  So once again, I turned around and headed back towards Missouri.  I stopped a few times along the way. The first time I stopped was to throw away the sun visor for my car that the guy I dated had given to me for my birthday.  I was “getting rid of him” as I chunked it into the air.  Then the second time I stopped was to call my future husband, Josh and to eat lunch.  I went to this country restaurant that was famous for it’s pies I think and I ate in the restaurant as I made the call.  He answered and I was nervous to talk to him but tried not to feel uncomfortable.  I pretended like he was sitting there having lunch with me and we talked.  I told him about going to Columbus and that is when I found out that he had no connections there and I never called him again.  After a good lunch, I drove all the way back to St. Louis, passing through for the third time now. I recognized the city by now and it felt good to see the familiar bridges and the famous Arc.  I decided to go there to the Arc and imagined that my friend that I wish had been on the trip with me was going to miraculously meet me there at the Arc in KC. By this time, I had completely lost sight of reality. I was living in some kind of dream world that did not seem real. I found a parking deck close by the Arc and walked to the entrance to buy a ticket. I looked around, no sign of Jeff. I walked around the museum and it was actually very interesting. I felt like a pioneer as I looked at the Lois and Clark expedition and related to Pocahontas as I looked at the Native American exhibit.  I was morphing into some imaginary character, reinventing myself so to speak. I made my way up the elevator into the Arc, feeling anxious to get up there and see from way up high. I had to get inside this weird elevator thing with some other people to ride to the top. At the top there were windows all around and we were so high up I could feel the wind making it sway a bit. It was not scary to me and I stared out the window, changing from one side to the other, looking at anything and everything I could, just taking it all in.  I took some pictures on my phone from up there. There was no sign of Jeff, so as I came back down “to earth” and left the museum I walked around a bit and smoked a cigarette with a lady that I met at the park.  I didn’t smoke but I used to.  I just thought I would smoke since she was smoking and she gave me a cigarette. We went our separate ways and as it was getting dark I walked back to my car, my temporary home, a 2003 Silver Honda Accord.  To be continued…


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